Stupid travel tricks

#1.  The insects are bad at night and I use a 99% deet spray to help with the bites.  I'm in the bathroom and figure I don't need the light on - mistake number one.  Spray one leg and rub it in.  Grab the spray for the other leg and apparently had it pointed the wrong direction and got a full spray in both eyes.  Stumble to the shower and rinse followed by two bottles of water to the eyes. Swollen, red, and blurry I figure it's the best I can do and go to bed.  Wake with red and swollen eyes but still can see.

#2. Next day: Snacks are sold in larger bags containing about 10 smaller individual sized portions.  After spraying my eyes, I treat myself to a couple snacks.  The next day after returning from work I'm hungry so I grab a bag and open it and dump half the contents in my mouth.  Something feels funny... I look in the mirror and see a bunch of small ants in my mouth.  A quick look in the bag reveals thousands of tiny ants have penetrated the remaining bags.  Quickly my mouth feels numb like a root canal and my lips look like a bad collagen implant.  Shit, I encountered a number of life threatening adventures along the way but I'm going to die from crackers and ants - this sucks.  Searching for options I find 50mg of benadryl that I take immediately.  Ahhhhh, I have 2% lidocaine with epinephrine for local anesthesia.  A quick calculation reveals that I'd expire from a complete heart block from the 1 gm of lidocaine in order to get an adequate dose of epi. 

I'm now headed to a party with swollen lips and tongue, along with tearing and red eyes.  I'm sure the girls will find it attractive.  I'm not sure how I survive these adventures.